RE: CHILDREN’S
CONCERNS DURING FOR DIVORCE
This
memorandum is designed to give you a general overview of how separation and
divorce may affect your child. It has
been my observation that a child’s behavior may change radically and
unpredictably during the divorce process.
There are, however, distinct patterns, based on age and sex that have
been identified by the experts.
Awareness of the predicable patterns of children’s responses to separation
can alleviate unnecessary anxiety and conflict.
THE LAW
Massachusetts law favors joint legal
custody. Pending final judgment of
divorce, there is a presumption that legal custody will be joint unless there
are extreme circumstances that would make joint legal custody not in the
child’s best interests. In Massachusetts, the
statute is G.L. c. 208, Section 31. In
cases of domestic violence, sole legal custody may be appropriate. Joint legal custody means that both parents,
by law, will have decision making responsibility in major child-related issues
such as education, medical treatment, religious training and recreational
activities.
Joint legal
custody does not mean equal sharing of physical custody or equal involvement in
routine daily decision making. Most
commonly, physical custody of the children remains with the parent who has been
the primary caretaker. Historically, it
has been the mother who acts as primary caretaker. Over the past several years there has been an
increase in the father’s caretaking responsibilities with more and more fathers
seeking physical custody. In general,
most fathers do not seek primary physical custody of the children. Fathers who seek custody based on the
mother’s neglect or abuse are often awarded physical custody. Despite this increase, physical custody is still
generally with the mother. Under normal
circumstances, the father’s time with the children is planned around his work
and the children’s activities.
In some
cases, parents make efforts to work out a schedule of joint physical custody
with more equal timesharing such as three days at one home, four days at
another or alternating weeks. Because of
the disruption of the child’s life, an effective joint physical custody
arrangement is hard to achieve for most divorcing parents.
There are
no mandatory timesharing requirements and the needs of the children change as
the children grow and mature. It is
important to be flexible in designing parenting arrangements that work for all
of the involved parties. I will give you
some examples of arrangements that often work well. Please remember that the particular
arrangement should depend on the needs of the children.
One of the
major concerns that children have is a fear of abandonment, and mental health
professional suggest that both parents, together, explain (1) why the
separation is occurring and (2) what the plans of both parents are concerning future
living arrangements. Since children at
certain ages may feel they are to blame for the separation, they need
reassurance that they are not at fault and will continue to be loved and
appreciated by both parents.
In the
early stages of separation, it is often useful to tell adults who play a major
role in the children’s lives (teachers, babysitters, child care personnel) of
the situation and ask them to be alert to and inform you of any significant
behavioral changes.
PATTERNS OF BEHAVIOR
AND THE NEEDS OF THE CHILDREN
Research in
the area of family dissolution has identified certain patterns of behavior in
children following separation and divorce that appear linked to the child’s age
and sex. The following summary is a
brief overview. Not all children
demonstrate these patterns. Generally
the patterns are short-lived and not permanent.
However, the information may assist you in structuring a child custody
arrangement for sharing the care of your child and enable you to minimize
disorientation for your child.
Infancy, Toddlerhood (Birth to 3 Years)
In infancy,
the child’s primary need is for a consistent major caretaker. The total dependency of the infant and the
need for early emotional bonding with one central nurturing figure would appear
to necessitate consistency of environment and one primary parent figure. Joint physical custody is generally viewed as
inappropriate at this level. Moreover,
because the infant’s memory span is so undeveloped time away from the primary
caretaker should be limited. Ideally,
the noncustodial parent should have short and frequent contact with the child
in the home or on brief outings. Weekend
visits with the infant, away from the primary caretaker and in a new
environment, are generally not recommended as the best alternative.
As the
child moves into a toddler phase parenting can be more broadly shared. Weekends or several days away from the home
base with the noncustodial parent are appropriate at this stage, although
parents must recognize that for a toddler, changes in his or her physical world
may be terrifying and appear dangerous.
Thus, the toddler may respond with caution to visits outside the home
because separation anxiety is a major concern at this stage of development.
Preschool and
Kindergarten (3-5 Years)
Both parents become central
figures for children, and knowledge of the differences between the sexes is a
central issue in this stage of development.
Access to both mother and father is critical. A core home environment continues to be more
supportive of the child than a joint physical custody arrangement, but this is
the age where meaningful interaction with and differentiation between parents
are important for the child’s progress.
At the
preschool level, children respond to the divorce situation very strongly, with
mixed feelings of guilt, fear of abandonment, and sadness. Loss of self-esteem is common. Boys tend to react more strongly than girls
and become increasingly demanding. For
girls, feelings of abandonment and desertion are prevalent. A common reaction for both male and female
children is regression- a retreat to babyhood in an attempt to deal with the
trauma of divorce. Bedwetting, thumb
sucking and playing with outgrown toys are not unusual responses to
divorce. Tears and trauma surrounding
visitation are more usual than not-with the child fearing loss of the parent he
or she is leaving. This behavior often
causes great conflict between parents if they fail to understand that its
source is the child’s sadness about loss of the intact family unit. Open conflict between parents with children
of this age, which often erupts as a result of child’s behavior, is
particularly harmful.
Early School Age
Children (6-8 Years)
In general, children of this age
more clearly understand what divorce means and how it will affect them, but
they still lack the emotional capacity to separate your needs, as an adult,
from theirs. Their most pervasive feeling is sadness,
and boys show it more openly through tears than girls do. Children are afraid of
being left alone or being sent to live with strangers. They have fantasies of deprivation focusing
on food, toys or some other important aspect of their lives and may react by
demanding gifts or treats. You may find
them checking the refrigerator or cabinets to make sure you have enough food. Their yearning for the departed parent is
intense and may bear no relationship to how close they were to that parent
before the separation. This reflects the
inner need, especially for boys at this age, for a father figure. It is noticeable that children this age
seldom criticize the absent parent, although some (mostly boys) are angry at
their custodial mother. Often, this
anger is not expressed directly to the mother but is directed at teachers,
friends or siblings.
While
parents are still crucial to the child, they are a major part of, but not the only
focus of the child’s world. Frequent
contact with the noncustodial parent through direct contact, phone calls and
e-mails appear to increase the child’s sense of well-being.
Older School-age
Children ( 9-12 Years)
This is a period of rapid
emotional growth and ego strengthening, and children at this age are generally
better able to withstand the stress of separation without regression. Below the surface, the child may be trying to
cope with feelings of helplessness and rejection. For some children, coping takes the form of
frantic activity designed to compel the departing parent to return. Physical symptoms such as headaches or
stomachaches are not unusual. The
child’s sense of identity is closely tied to the family at this age, so he or
she may begin to comment on real or imagined resemblances to one or both
parents.
The
clearest emotion in children this age is intense and focused anger, most
commonly directly at the parent they blame for the divorce. The custodial parent is often the brunt of
the most clearly expressed anger since the child may be afraid to risk
permanent loss of the parent they see less.
Some children are willing to align themselves with the “good parent”
against the “bad parent,” often along gender lines. If the
good parent is also the custodial parent, this alignment can be long lasting.
Boys appear
to have a more difficult time than girls at this age and, if living with their
mothers, seem to have a problem with authority.
Often, the help of male teachers is useful for boys of this age. For girls, anger may be acted out in less
than straightforward fashion including teasing, pinching and other similar
behaviors.
Adolescents (13- 18
Years)
The
teenager’s reaction to divorce is intense and anguished because divorce
reverses the normal maturation of the adolescent years.
Adolescence
is a time when children separate from the family and parents. In order to do so successfully, the child
relies on a stable and solid family unit that can withstand his or her own
inner sense of turmoil and instability.
Divorce places the family unit in disarray. Often the adolescent is torn by feeling the
normal need to separate from parents, combined with guilt at pushing away form
a distressed and needy parent. Young
teenagers particularly are conflicted with a perceived need to take care of a
parent contrasted with a desire to escape.
If a parent
adopts a more youthful style of dress or begins dating, the adolescents may see
this as competitive behavior, which will be both criticized and resented. Often, teenagers have specific fears as to
who will support them or pay for college, how they will “rate” as sexual
partners and whether they will fail at marriage. Since most separating families have to live
on a reduced budget, money issues can be a significant source of tension.
Adolescents
mourn the passing of the family. They
also are very angry. They may yell or
even react with physical violence. Their
anger stems from their grief, but it is also directed at their parents “selfishness”
in breaking up the family at the very time they relied so heavily on it.
To cope,
the teenager may seem to withdraw from the parent and the family crisis,
spending more time with friends or at school activities. If coping takes the form of a temporary
retreat from current levels of maturity, parents may notice their teenager
spending time with younger children, at home or withdrawing from
age-appropriate activities at school.
Grades may drop. An adolescent
who feels betrayed may exhibit depression or delinquent behavior, including
premature sexual activity and drug and alcohol abuse.
The family crisis can have a positive effect
on the teenager: a growth in maturity and understanding, a willingness to take
on extra tasks, etc. However, while he
or she may be supportive, be aware that too intense an emotional dependency on
your teenager, which can be very tempting in the face of loss of a spouse, can
interfere with the teenager’s own emotional development.
Overall,
most children learn to cope with your divorce, which is also their divorce. In some cases, it means relief from an abusive
or disturbed parent. In some cases the
separation will benefit both child and parent.
In the majority of families, however, divorce is a painful and
disruptive event in a child’s life. How
severe and long-lasting the effects will be depends in part on the divorcing
parents. Parents must add to the already
great burdens of their own distress an awareness of and sensitivity to the
effects of divorce on their children, as well as an ability to separate their
own feelings about their spouse as a spouse from a view of the othe
