RE: CHILDREN’S CONCERNS DURING FOR DIVORCE

            This memorandum is designed to give you a general overview of how separation and divorce may affect your child.  It has been my observation that a child’s behavior may change radically and unpredictably during the divorce process.  There are, however, distinct patterns, based on age and sex that have been identified by the experts.  Awareness of the predicable patterns of children’s responses to separation can alleviate unnecessary anxiety and conflict.

THE LAW

            Massachusetts law favors joint legal custody.  Pending final judgment of divorce, there is a presumption that legal custody will be joint unless there are extreme circumstances that would make joint legal custody not in the child’s best interests.  In Massachusetts, the statute is G.L. c. 208, Section 31.  In cases of domestic violence, sole legal custody may be appropriate.  Joint legal custody means that both parents, by law, will have decision making responsibility in major child-related issues such as education, medical treatment, religious training and recreational activities.

            Joint legal custody does not mean equal sharing of physical custody or equal involvement in routine daily decision making.  Most commonly, physical custody of the children remains with the parent who has been the primary caretaker.  Historically, it has been the mother who acts as primary caretaker.  Over the past several years there has been an increase in the father’s caretaking responsibilities with more and more fathers seeking physical custody.  In general, most fathers do not seek primary physical custody of the children.  Fathers who seek custody based on the mother’s neglect or abuse are often awarded physical custody.  Despite this increase, physical custody is still generally with the mother.  Under normal circumstances, the father’s time with the children is planned around his work and the children’s activities.

            In some cases, parents make efforts to work out a schedule of joint physical custody with more equal timesharing such as three days at one home, four days at another or alternating weeks.  Because of the disruption of the child’s life, an effective joint physical custody arrangement is hard to achieve for most divorcing parents.

            There are no mandatory timesharing requirements and the needs of the children change as the children grow and mature.  It is important to be flexible in designing parenting arrangements that work for all of the involved parties.  I will give you some examples of arrangements that often work well.  Please remember that the particular arrangement should depend on the needs of the children.

            One of the major concerns that children have is a fear of abandonment, and mental health professional suggest that both parents, together, explain (1) why the separation is occurring and (2) what the plans of both parents are concerning future living arrangements.  Since children at certain ages may feel they are to blame for the separation, they need reassurance that they are not at fault and will continue to be loved and appreciated by both parents.

            In the early stages of separation, it is often useful to tell adults who play a major role in the children’s lives (teachers, babysitters, child care personnel) of the situation and ask them to be alert to and inform you of any significant behavioral changes.

PATTERNS OF BEHAVIOR AND THE NEEDS OF THE CHILDREN

            Research in the area of family dissolution has identified certain patterns of behavior in children following separation and divorce that appear linked to the child’s age and sex.  The following summary is a brief overview.  Not all children demonstrate these patterns.  Generally the patterns are short-lived and not permanent.  However, the information may assist you in structuring a child custody arrangement for sharing the care of your child and enable you to minimize disorientation for your child.

Infancy, Toddlerhood  (Birth to 3 Years)    

           

            In infancy, the child’s primary need is for a consistent major caretaker.  The total dependency of the infant and the need for early emotional bonding with one central nurturing figure would appear to necessitate consistency of environment and one primary parent figure.  Joint physical custody is generally viewed as inappropriate at this level.  Moreover, because the infant’s memory span is so undeveloped time away from the primary caretaker should be limited.  Ideally, the noncustodial parent should have short and frequent contact with the child in the home or on brief outings.  Weekend visits with the infant, away from the primary caretaker and in a new environment, are generally not recommended as the best alternative.

            As the child moves into a toddler phase parenting can be more broadly shared.  Weekends or several days away from the home base with the noncustodial parent are appropriate at this stage, although parents must recognize that for a toddler, changes in his or her physical world may be terrifying and appear dangerous.  Thus, the toddler may respond with caution to visits outside the home because separation anxiety is a major concern at this stage of development.

Preschool and Kindergarten  (3-5 Years)

            Both parents become central figures for children, and knowledge of the differences between the sexes is a central issue in this stage of development.  Access to both mother and father is critical.  A core home environment continues to be more supportive of the child than a joint physical custody arrangement, but this is the age where meaningful interaction with and differentiation between parents are important for the child’s progress.

            At the preschool level, children respond to the divorce situation very strongly, with mixed feelings of guilt, fear of abandonment, and sadness.  Loss of self-esteem is common.  Boys tend to react more strongly than girls and become increasingly demanding.  For girls, feelings of abandonment and desertion are prevalent.  A common reaction for both male and female children is regression- a retreat to babyhood in an attempt to deal with the trauma of divorce.  Bedwetting, thumb sucking and playing with outgrown toys are not unusual responses to divorce.  Tears and trauma surrounding visitation are more usual than not-with the child fearing loss of the parent he or she is leaving.  This behavior often causes great conflict between parents if they fail to understand that its source is the child’s sadness about loss of the intact family unit.  Open conflict between parents with children of this age, which often erupts as a result of child’s behavior, is particularly harmful.

Early School Age Children (6-8 Years)

            In general, children of this age more clearly understand what divorce means and how it will affect them, but they still lack the emotional capacity to separate your needs, as an adult, from theirs.  Their most pervasive feeling is sadness, and boys show it more openly through tears than girls do.   Children are afraid of being left alone or being sent to live with strangers.  They have fantasies of deprivation focusing on food, toys or some other important aspect of their lives and may react by demanding gifts or treats.  You may find them checking the refrigerator or cabinets to make sure you have enough food.  Their yearning for the departed parent is intense and may bear no relationship to how close they were to that parent before the separation.  This reflects the inner need, especially for boys at this age, for a father figure.  It is noticeable that children this age seldom criticize the absent parent, although some (mostly boys) are angry at their custodial mother.  Often, this anger is not expressed directly to the mother but is directed at teachers, friends or siblings.

            While parents are still crucial to the child, they are a major part of, but not the only focus of the child’s world.  Frequent contact with the noncustodial parent through direct contact, phone calls and e-mails appear to increase the child’s sense of well-being.

Older School-age Children ( 9-12 Years)

            This is a period of rapid emotional growth and ego strengthening, and children at this age are generally better able to withstand the stress of separation without regression.  Below the surface, the child may be trying to cope with feelings of helplessness and rejection.  For some children, coping takes the form of frantic activity designed to compel the departing parent to return.  Physical symptoms such as headaches or stomachaches are not unusual.  The child’s sense of identity is closely tied to the family at this age, so he or she may begin to comment on real or imagined resemblances to one or both parents. 

            The clearest emotion in children this age is intense and focused anger, most commonly directly at the parent they blame for the divorce.  The custodial parent is often the brunt of the most clearly expressed anger since the child may be afraid to risk permanent loss of the parent they see less.  Some children are willing to align themselves with the “good parent” against the “bad parent,” often along gender lines.   If the good parent is also the custodial parent, this alignment can be long lasting.

            Boys appear to have a more difficult time than girls at this age and, if living with their mothers, seem to have a problem with authority.  Often, the help of male teachers is useful for boys of this age.  For girls, anger may be acted out in less than straightforward fashion including teasing, pinching and other similar behaviors.

Adolescents (13- 18 Years)  

            The teenager’s reaction to divorce is intense and anguished because divorce reverses the normal maturation of the adolescent years.

            Adolescence is a time when children separate from the family and parents.  In order to do so successfully, the child relies on a stable and solid family unit that can withstand his or her own inner sense of turmoil and instability.  Divorce places the family unit in disarray.  Often the adolescent is torn by feeling the normal need to separate from parents, combined with guilt at pushing away form a distressed and needy parent.  Young teenagers particularly are conflicted with a perceived need to take care of a parent contrasted with a desire to escape.

            If a parent adopts a more youthful style of dress or begins dating, the adolescents may see this as competitive behavior, which will be both criticized and resented.  Often, teenagers have specific fears as to who will support them or pay for college, how they will “rate” as sexual partners and whether they will fail at marriage.  Since most separating families have to live on a reduced budget, money issues can be a significant source of tension.

            Adolescents mourn the passing of the family.  They also are very angry.  They may yell or even react with physical violence.  Their anger stems from their grief, but it is also directed at their parents “selfishness” in breaking up the family at the very time they relied so heavily on it.

            To cope, the teenager may seem to withdraw from the parent and the family crisis, spending more time with friends or at school activities.  If coping takes the form of a temporary retreat from current levels of maturity, parents may notice their teenager spending time with younger children, at home or withdrawing from age-appropriate activities at school.  Grades may drop.  An adolescent who feels betrayed may exhibit depression or delinquent behavior, including premature sexual activity and drug and alcohol abuse.

 The family crisis can have a positive effect on the teenager: a growth in maturity and understanding, a willingness to take on extra tasks, etc.  However, while he or she may be supportive, be aware that too intense an emotional dependency on your teenager, which can be very tempting in the face of loss of a spouse, can interfere with the teenager’s own emotional development.

            Overall, most children learn to cope with your divorce, which is also their divorce.  In some cases, it means relief from an abusive or disturbed parent.  In some cases the separation will benefit both child and parent.  In the majority of families, however, divorce is a painful and disruptive event in a child’s life.  How severe and long-lasting the effects will be depends in part on the divorcing parents.  Parents must add to the already great burdens of their own distress an awareness of and sensitivity to the effects of divorce on their children, as well as an ability to separate their own feelings about their spouse as a spouse from a view of the othe